


Architectural Anomalies

by nostalgia



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alien Sex Dungeons, Gen, Humor, I'm Sorry, Shaggy Dog Story, TARDIS stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-23 06:12:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13184016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: “Doctor, I know what an alien sex dungeon looks like when I see one!”





	Architectural Anomalies

“Is this going to take much longer?” asked Martha, trying not to sound too bored. Yes, the TARDIS was a magnificent ship, and the Doctor was also quite pleasant to rest the eyes on, but watching him doing routine maintenance just wasn't that interesting after the first half-hour or so.

He answered without looking up from his work. “Maybe another hour, I've run into a few unexpected problems.” 

Martha tried not to sigh, and failed. 

“You can always make me some tea if you're bored,” he suggested, ducking under the console to do... whatever he was trying to do.

“No,” she said, because being his servant for three months in the early twentieth century had ruined minor domestic chores forever. 

The Doctor reappeared. “Mmfh, ghffis niff?” he suggested, raising his eyebrows.

“You've got the sonic screwdriver in your mouth,” said Martha.

“Mf,” he said, and removed the offending object. “You could explore the TARDIS a bit more, if you like. I keep finding new rooms all the time, and I've lived here for centuries.”

Martha got up from the crash-seat. “That's not a bad idea.”

The Doctor waved towards the interior door. “Off you go, then. Don't worry, she won't let you get lost.”

Martha headed off down the corridor, trying to remember her route as she went (because the Doctor wasn't _always_ right about the TARDIS, after all). After about ten minutes she found herself in a corridor she hadn't seen before, with unmarked doors at regular intervals. 

She opened a door more-or-less at random. Indoor netball court, apparently. She tried not to picture the Doctor in a girls netball uniform.

The next room was large, white, and entirely empty aside from a large pile of Wellington boots in the centre.

Martha moved on. Eventually she came to a door that was somehow even more nondescript than the others, like it was trying extra-hard to look innocuous. She opened the door and looked into the room.

 

Some time later Martha returned to the console room, moving slowly and trying to cope with too many thoughts all at once. 

The Doctor looked up from the controls. “Back already?”

“Yeah. Um.” She wasn't sure how to proceed. 

“Did something happen? She didn't try to bite you, did she?” He thumped the console with his fist. “You _promised_ me that you'd stop doing that,” he hissed at his time-machine.

“No,” said Martha. “It wasn't anything like that.”

The Doctor waited expectantly. 

“Um. I don't really know how to say this,” said Martha. “But... I sort of... saw something I probably wasn't supposed to see.”

“I'm going to empty that bin eventually,” he insisted. 

“It wasn't that.” She took a deep breath. “I sort of... I found your alien sex dungeon.” There, now it was out in the open. She had said it.

The Doctor stared at her. “My what?”

“Your alien sex dungeon.”

He frowned. “I don't have one of those.”

“There's no point denying it. I saw it with my own eyes.”

“Seriously, I don't have an... I don't have anything like that on the TARDIS.”

Martha put her hands on her hips, annoyed by his pretence of innocence. “Doctor, I know what an alien sex dungeon looks like when I see one!”

He scratched his head, rearranging his surprisingly expressive hair. “Martha, honestly, I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“It's a big room full of... stuff. Equipment.”

“Oh!” he said, like he suddenly understood. “Some parts of the TARDIS probably do look a bit strange if you haven't seen them before.” He walked over to her, heading for the door. “Come on, show me what you found and I'll tell you what it actually is.”

“It's an alien sex dungeon,” Martha insisted as she led him towards the room in question.

“I promise you it's not.”

Eventually they reached the part of the ship that Martha had been in earlier. “That one,” she said, as they approached the door. “It's in there.”

The Doctor opened the door and looked inside. Then he closed the door. Then he opened it again. Finally he turned to face Martha, his skin somewhat paler than it had been before. “That's... That's an... ” 

“An alien sex dungeon,” said Martha.

He closed the door again. “You're right,” he told her, obviously shocked. “Where the hell did that come from?”

“You didn't put it there yourself?” asked Martha, not entirely convinced by his show of innocence.

“I most certainly did not!” He turned and Martha had to jog slightly to keep up with him as he headed back towards the console-room. 

“Maybe someone else put it there?” she suggested.

“No,” said the Doctor, “nobody could add rooms to the TARDIS without me knowing about it. Jack might have _tried_ to put in a... a... something like that, but there's no way he could actually have done it.”

“So how did it get there?”

They had reached the console-room, and the Doctor paused just outside the door to look at Martha. “There's only one possibility,” he said, so quietly that she had to lean in to hear him. “The TARDIS must have put it there.”

“Why?” asked Martha, equally quiet.

He shook his head, perplexed. “I have no idea.”

“And why are we whispering?” she whispered.

“I don't know that either.” He stepped into the room and walked up to the controls. “Don't worry,” he said at normal volume, “I know what to do.” He fixed Martha with an extremely serious stare. “I'll delete that room and then we'll pretend that none of this ever happened.”

“I'm not sure if I can,” Martha admitted.

“We have to,” said the Doctor, “it's the only way.” He flicked a few switches, turned a few dials, and tapped something onto a keyboard. Finally, he pulled a lever. 

Martha waited.

The Doctor breathed a sigh of obvious relief. “It's done.”

“No more alien sex dungeon?”

“Ejected it into a black hole. We're safe.”

 

“Doctor...”

The Doctor looked up to see Amy standing at the top of the stairs, in front of the interior door of the TARDIS. He was surprised to see her back so soon.

“Something wrong?” he asked. Concerned, he took a step towards her. “Amy, if there's a problem with the TARDIS just let me know and I'll fix it.”

Amy was silent for a moment, then, all at once, blurted out, “I found your alien sex dungeon.”

The Doctor spun to look at the TARDIS console. “Seriously? Again?” He rubbed his eyes with his hand. “Still not funny, old girl.”

 

But it was funny to the TARDIS and, she reasoned as she spun through the vortex, surely that was what mattered most?


End file.
